


The Reality of The Loop

by Zinthezinner



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Deja Vu, F/F, Gen, Multi, Polyamory, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-12 19:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18016991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinthezinner/pseuds/Zinthezinner
Summary: Tae is torn between two truths; a time loop and a case of chronic déjà vuBased almost entirely off of the author's own experience with schizophrenia and as-yet-unexplained chronic déjà vu.





	1. Do you know how to build a time machine?

**Author's Note:**

> Hooray for projecting literally everything onto favourite characters! Hooray for oversharing! Hope you enjoy this.

“The truth is, I’m not convinced you have schizophrenia.”  
“Why?”  
“I haven’t seen you without your brexpiprazole, and you didn’t present adequate symptoms when you visited the centre 4 years ago.”  
“But I was brought in for early intervention for psychosis, wasn’t I?”  
“You were, and we didn’t find anything before you left.”

Tae furrowed her brow.

“Didn’t you talk to my last psychiatrist about it? She’s the one who diagnosed me, so she’d know, right?”  
“Don’t change the subject, please. Now, I’m not encouraging you to go off meds, but I do want to focus more on talk therapy for your depression.”  
“Why?”  
“Because that’s the biggest issue.”  
“Why?”  
“Because that’s what’s wrong with you, Hanazono-san.”  
“But I still have the delusions.”  
“Sometimes depression comes with psychotic symptoms.”

Tae was only getting more confused. She’d had this conversation before, and she’d had this conversation before, it was similar to ones in the past and the exact same as the ones in the other timelines.

“But my other psych-”  
“Sometimes we’re wrong.”

So he’s admitting it?

“Often psychologists can inform us psychiatrists better about potential diagnoses, so if you can get your mental health care plan we can get you in to see Akasaka-san and she can talk to you more, ok?”  
“But I have guitar.”  
“You can do guitar as well as therapy, Hanazono-san. Your health is important. I know your mum is busy, but we’ll talk to her if you bring her in with you. All it takes is a shorter visit than this to a GP, I’m sure she can manage that some time.”

Tae didn’t want to bother her mother with more hospitals. She was in them often enough with her dad’s breast cancer, Tae didn’t really want to bother her with more of them.

“Do you have any more questions, Hanazono-san?”  
“Hmmmmm… nope!”  
“That’ll be all, then. I’ll see you in a month. Try to have the plan by then, ok? We’ll see if we can get you another MRI, too.”

* * *

Tae hated it when her delusions crossed over.

She was patting a small black rabbit again, and it was dead again. Looking around, all of them were. She couldn’t see it, but she could tell. They were moving around, hopping cutely about, but all it was was the corpses being in different places. It wasn’t just familiar, it was relived. It wasn’t just unreal, it was true.

Damn.

She’d taken her brexpiprazole, she’d taken it with her lamictal and iron supplements. She knew that, she’d done it herself this morning. Was that yesterday, though? It might’ve been yesterday. What day was it?

She put the rabbit down and pulled her phone out of a pocket. Wednesday. Hmmm… she wasn’t sure, though. She had a pill caddy which she filled diligently, so she should go check that if she was worried, right?

Everything melded together, especially with the time loop delusion and constant déjà vu. Do bunnies get dejà vu?

She had the structure of school, and she had the structure of band practice, and she had the structure of live shows, so it wasn’t like she was drifting without reference.

“Tae-chan, checking the pill caddy again?”  
“So that was today. Thanks, dad.”  
“I worry about you, you know.”

Why though? She was probably faking it anyway, and even if it was a thing it wasn’t like she could do anything about it. She couldn’t find anything reliable about building time machines to fix the loop, and she didn’t really feel like killing herself to end the loop.

Hmmmmm… 

Maybe she should get everyone together? Nobody had asked about her déjà vu, so she hadn’t talked about it, but maybe she should?

“Dad, is it ok if I go to Arisa’s place?”  
“Yes, dear. You can sleep over too, if you want. I know she’ll get you to school on time.”  
“Ok cool! I’ll ask if I can go over then. Arisa scolds me if I show up without warning, and I kinda want the others there anyway.”  
“Ok, Tae-chan. Stay safe.”

* * *

O-Tae-chan: Hey guys, do you want to go to Arisa’s place tonight?

Kasumeme: Sure!

Rimi-rin: Shouldn’t we ask Arisa-chan first?

Arisa-chan: Damn right you should! You don’t even know if I’m free.

O-Tae-chan: Are you free?

Arisa-chan: …  
…  
Yes.

Kasumeme: Neat! Is Saya here?

Saya-chan: You called?

Arisa-chan: Scroll up.

Saya-chan: Oh, I don’t think I can make it for this evening, I have work at the shop. If it’s a sleepover though I can probably get there around 7?

O-Tae-chan: Perfect.

Kasumeme: Can I change everyone’s names again?

Saya-chan: No, we’re sticking with Rimi-rin’s for now.

Arisa-chan: Be glad you have what you want for your own.

O-Tae-chan: Rimi, are you good to come?

Rimi-rin: Um! Yes, I think so! I’ll be there soon…

* * *

“Do you guys know how to build a time machine?”  
“No, but I want to now!”  
“T-time machines don’t tend to end well, O-Tae-chan…”  
“I need one, though.”  
“O-Tae, why do you need one?”

Tae had to think on that for a moment, even though she’d tried to plan out what to say from the start.

“Because I’ve been getting déjà vu.”  
“O-Tae that makes no goddamn sense.”  
“Arisa, let her finish.”  
“And it’s not really déjà vu, because it’s not just familiar, y’know? It’s memories.”  
“So you’re remembering stuff that shouldn’t be possible?”  
“Yup!”

She pat Rimi’s head.

“How are you remembering stuff if it hasn’t happened before though? Wait, are we in a time loop?”  
“That’s my theory, but at the same time I know it isn’t real. Does that make sense?”  
“Nope!”  
“Kasumi, sometimes psychotic people know that their delusions and hallucinations are just that.”  
“Uhuh.”  
“And they still believe that it’s real.”  
“Wait… so both are true at the same time? That hurts my head. Kinda like the cat though, right?”  
“Schrödinger's cat? Yeah...”  
“It’s like doublethink then.”  
“It makes it really tricky for them to tell which one to go on, apparently.”  
“People keep telling me that being self-aware is the first step to eradicating it, but I don’t want to eradicate it because I want to fix the timeline.”  
“Weird.”

Tae didn’t know how to explain better that she knew that both were true. Or did she? Did she really believe that this was a delusion? She keeps coming back to the fact that she’s been taught to believe that anything out of the ordinary was a delusion, and that that means she could easily dismiss something strange but real. She didn’t want to dismiss anything that could be important!

“So are you serious about asking us to help you build a time machine?”  
“The internet keeps laughing at me or showing me really confusing things, so I thought you guys could help me.”  
“O-Tae…”  
“Ahaha, I’m not an expert though, so I don’t think I can help.”  
“O-Tae-chan, I don’t think this is a good idea…”  
“I’m not very smart-”  
“You can say that again.”  
“So I don’t think I can help either. Sorry, O-Tae!”  
“Oh.”

Well that was disappointing.

“Is there any other way you can fix the timelines?”  
“Well there is the good old suicide reset, but I don’t really feel like doing that.”

Saya’s panic turned more towards relief at the end of that sentence. Everyone else was still processing it.

“O-Tae, what ‘proof’ do you have that we’re in a time loop?”  
“I remember almost everything.”  
“Can you predict the future then?”  
“No, things go a little differently in every timeline and I can’t predict which is which. I don’t get it every moment, either.”  
“So you’re kinda like that mutant guy in that one movie??”  
“It was more than the one movie, Kasumi.”  
“Really? Do you have more? I kinda wanna see now.”  
“Would you shut up? Now’s not the time.”  
“Have you told your psych, O-Tae?”  
“Yeah.”

If Tae was attached enough to feel shame, she’d be feeling it now. Just more stupid Tae, right? Just more stupid, delusional Tae. They were humoring her, sure, but that didn’t count for much, did it?

She was tearing up, wasn’t she? That was weird. She didn’t feel like crying, but her eyes weren’t complying. Not actually all that unusual, but that didn’t make it less disorienting really, did it?

A hand on her shoulder. Arisa’s. Suddenly Tae felt like she really REALLY needed a hug.

She fell into Arisa’s embrace. Literally. Arisa managed to catch her for a second, but despite her efforts they both tipped onto the floor.

“Oi, O-Tae! Get off!”  
“Gay!”  
“We know, Kasumi. We’re all gay.”

Arisa looked the gay kind of flustered, which was reassuring. At least she still liked her.

“My turn!”

Kasumi joined the pile, launching herself into it with gusto.

But Tae still felt mechanical, like a malfunctioning machine. Automatic. Systematic. Hyyydromatic. Greased lightning.

They played more, the topics changed, eventually the band forgot about helping Tae.

Maybe she’d ask Moca about it.

* * *

Taetastic: Moca?

Mocatastic: ya?

Taetastic: Do you have work today or nah?

Mocatastic: lemme ask Lisa-san  
nope. why tho?

Taetastic: I wanna ask you about something.

Mocatastic: and you can’t ask Moca-chan here?

Taetastic: Nope! I’d rather do it in person, if that’s ok?

Mocatastic: anything for a girl I love~  
don’t you have CiRCLE booked for band practice today?

Taetastic: Yeah, can you come to the CiRCLE cafe after we’re done though?

Mocatastic: sure~  
will you buy me food?

Taetastic: I think they have some banana bread we could try.

Mocatastic: ily~~~

Taetastic: Ily2~

* * *

“Sorry I’m late, we went a bit over time with the new setlist.”  
“It’s ok~”  
“Do you want me to grab the food and drink now?”  
“Sure~”

Tae walked to the counter on her own and ordered the banana bread and two cans of soft drink. She messed up a few times, but not because she was nervous (she wasn’t). Her brain just wouldn't let her think properly.

It didn’t take any time to prepare, so Tae paid the lady, grabbed the items, and walked casually back over to the seat Moca had reserved for her.

“Here you go.”  
“Thank you very much for the food, o great and powerful Tae.”

Tae smiled at that.

“No worries!”

Moca started talking with her mouth full.

“So, what have you come to the wise Moca-chan for? What guidance do you seek?”  
“I want to build a time machine.”  
“Is that so?”  
“Well, kinda. I want to, but doc says it’s a delusion or something, so I have to have another MRI.”  
“Another one? What was the first one for, again? Moca-chan forgets.”  
“We were testing for absence seizures, but it turns out I probably just dissociate a bunch. I had an EEG for that, too.”  
“And what exactly are those?”

Tae tried her best to remember exactly what she was told. She knew what they were, and she wasn’t going to misinform Moca.

“MRI stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging, it’s when they use magnets to get pictures of your insides, which was my brain that time.”  
“I see, I see. And EEG?”  
“Electroe- Electro en cepha logram? Electroencephalogram. It’s when they use these little pad things to measure electrical pulses in the brain. Electrodes!”  
“That’s a long word. The other one kinda sounds like a pokemon~”  
“Right?”  
“So the doc wants you to get another MRI?”  
“Yeah. He also thinks I don’t have schizophrenia.”  
“Whaaaaat? Why?”  
“Because he hasn’t seen me off my antipsychotics, so he can’t be sure.”  
“That’s stupid.”  
“Yeah kinda. But he’s got a degree and we don’t.”  
“Your last psych also had a degree though, right? And she did see you off them.”  
“Yeah. It’s… really confusing, and I don’t like it.”

Tae took another swig of her soft drink to distract herself.

“So what’s the time machine for again?”  
“Well I keep getting déjà vu over everything, and it’s really annoying. I have to fix the timeline, and I figure time machines are the way to do it, y’know?”  
“I do.”  
“So do you know how to build one?”

Moca seemed to ponder for a bit.

“Unfortunately Moca-chan is not in possession of that knowledge at this time.”

Damn.

“O-Tae, I can’t go along with this even if I did know how to build a time machine. Ever since The Incident, I have to stop entertaining peoples’ delusions.”  
“Why?”  
“Because otherwise Tomo-chin will beat me up. She can be scary.”  
“So you don’t believe me?”  
“Well, is there anyone else who gets this?”  
“While the internet was making fun of me I did manage to see that there’s this one British man with chronic déjà vu, but they don’t know what’s wrong with him either.”  
“I see, I see. See? It’s a real medical condition. I know you’re not faking it, O-Tae.”  
“Thanks, Moca. But-”  
“But what? But what if it’s real? O-Tae, I hate to break it to you but your brain is basically fucked~ It’s not working, and you need help. I want you to be better~”  
“Yeah. Yeah, thanks.”

Tae knew Moca was only trying to help, but it was still frustrating. Nobody believed her, she herself didn’t even totally believe her. Would no-one admit that maybe time was looping? Could no-one else see it at all?

“I know you’re right, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s real.”  
“Valid~ I believe in you though. Do you want a Moca-chan kiss?”  
“Yes please!”

Tae moved what remained of her soft drink out of the way and leaned over the small table to kiss her. They broke it, and she sat back down. Moca did care, she’d made that clear.

But... Tae had honestly thought that out of everyone she knew, Moca would be the one to believe her. It was… disappointing.

“Ehehe~ I just thought of something~”  
“What is it?”  
“If you build one, you could call it a Tae-me machine.”  
“This is why I love you.”  
“It’s not something worth obsessing over though, ok~?”  
“Ok fine. I’ll try the MRI and stuff first.”  
“Good girl.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that gets really heavy pretty quickly, so if you're not able to handle people being suicidal and self-harming, then stay back. Stay safe nya'll.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is from the author's experience. The author was going to update the fic after the MRI, but figured that this unexpected episode might be important to the story.

“Hanazono Tae!”

Tae was relieved. Sometimes they messed up and called her Takeshi, but it happened a lot less since she got her legal name change. 

Her mum was with her, and they both stood and went with the smiling general practitioner down a long hallway and into a room that smelled kinda like mango.

That was weird. She hadn’t been getting olfactory hallucinations since she got the right dose of her antipsychotics. Maybe they had something in here?

“It smells like mango, doesn’t it?”  
“Yes, that’d be the diffuser.”

Good.

“So did you fill out the mental health form I gave you?”  
“I did.”

Tae pulled it out of her bag and handed it over to the lady, who silently marked some boxes on a different piece of paper for a while.

“Yep, looks like depression and anxiety to me. I’ll write you a referral to the psychologist now, ok? This is part of the mental health care plan, it’ll give you 12 free sessions with the psych a year.”  
“Ok.”

The doctor typed into her computer painfully slowly.

“Are you on iron tablets like I requested? Are they working, or do we need to give you infusions?”  
“Yes, she’s on a ferrograde C tablet once a day with the rest of her meds. She’s not allergic.”

The doctor had asked Tae, but her mother had answered for her.

“I see, I see.”

More typing.

She asked Tae’s mum about her own health problems, while she was there and they had time, because her mum saw this doctor a lot herself.

“So Tae, I’m going to write something important now, it’ll let you get an MRI.”  
“Ok. What time is it?”  
“You can schedule it whenever, it won’t cost you anything because of this.”  
“How about we try for next week then, Tae-chan? Are you up for that?”  
“Guess so.”

Soon enough, she was handed a lot of paper to put in her bag, for both the MRI and the psychologist.

“I should get your MRI results two days after it’s taken, you come see me then, yes?”  
“Got it.”

* * *

Mere minutes after the visit to the GP had ended, she was back with her case worker and psychiatrist. They talked for a bit about stressors and mood and whether she’d been taking her meds (she had been).

“Oh, also I got this. Can you guess what it is?”  
“Sheet music?”  
“Nope.”  
“It kinda looks like pathology results, actually.”  
“Not quite. I got the mental health care plan like you asked, the doc’s letting me see the psychologist you want me to.”  
“Excellent! Well done, Hanazono-san. I knew you could do it. Is it alright if I take a scan of these?”  
“Go for it.”

Her psychiatrist left the room and photocopied the sheets while Tae had a conversation with her case worker about her rabbits.

“Oh, that reminds me. How did the equine-assisted mindfulness therapy go?”  
“The horse thing?”  
“Yeah, the horse thing.”  
“Well… I liked seeing the horses, but the mindfulness just made it worse again. I said I’ve been trying mindfulness techniques for years, but people keep trying to get me to do it anyway. Weird~”  
“It helps for most people is why. Sometimes it just takes some work to get used to, y’know?”  
“Right.”

Never mind the fact that she’d been trying since she was 12, making it like 4-ish years since she’d started. That didn’t matter, apparently.

“Tae, are you feeling it right now?”  
“How did you know?”  
“I didn’t, I was just asking. You ok?”  
“I’m. I’m fine. Do you want to know what I liked at the horse thing?”  
“Sure.”  
“Well there was this one exercise where we split up into two teams and had to lead the horse around the paddock without a lead rope.”  
“And how did that go?”  
“They said there wasn’t winning or losing, but I think I won. The other team didn’t get the horses to move, but I got some fresh grass for them and used that to lure them aroun-”

The psychiatrist came back in.

“What did I miss?”  
“Tae was just telling me about how she got the horses to move in the equine-assisted mindfulness therapy.”  
“Yeah, I used fresh grass, which nobody else thought of.”  
“That’s pretty clever!”  
“I’m used to animals, so it’s not that weird of a strategy.”

They talked some more, and then the psychiatrist said he had to leave early to eat lunch because he had another appointment soon.

“Is your mum here?”  
“She should be by now, yeah.”

* * *

Lengthy baths usually relaxed Tae, but the longer she spent in this one the more anxious she got.

It had set in that the psychologist was going to convince her that the time loop wasn’t real, and that the MRI would try to prove it.

Tae didn’t want to be convinced. She couldn’t fix it if she was convinced. It was so easy to accept it when people told her what was real, because she couldn’t trust herself, but… 

The loop was important. She couldn’t let herself be swayed otherwise she’d never fix it, and it’d just keep happening over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and-

She had to solve it. She didn’t have the luxury of time to complete the machine, she’d have to do the suicide reset. Even if it only sent her back, she could suppress the information getting out about it and she’d get the chance to fix it some other way.

She sank her head under the water. She knew she couldn’t drown herself without being sedated, which she wasn’t, so it wasn’t to do that. She didn’t know what it was for. If it was to relax, it wasn’t working. She shook like a leaf, even in the warm water.

Ah, but the others would be super worried if she didn’t tell them first. She should check if any of them were awake.

* * *

She opened Disharmony and was unsure of how to phrase the beginning. None of her bandmates or girlfriends were on, so she went to the vent channel of a certain mobile game’s squawkr disharmony server, as there were more people online who might help her.

Someone had just finished talking about their suicidal friend, so that kinda set the mood a bit better.

Tongue Tae’d: Hey folks. You up for some more suicide talk?

tsundere bulbasaur: think so. are you ok?

Tongue Tae’d: Nope.  
I had two appointments today, one for getting things for an MRI and a psychologist, one with my psychiatrist about a few things.  
Things are moving forwards, and…  
I don’t want them to.  
I just want to end this loop before they convince me it’s nothing to worry about.

tsundere bulbasaur: is there anything we could do? i’m willing

Tongue Tae’d: No clue. I think talking it out might help, but I dunno.  
I have emergency calm-down meds, but I don’t wanna take them tbh. I wanna die.

tsundere bulbasaur: i’m gonna be here for a while, talk all you want.  
Also what do you mean by loop?

Tongue Tae’d: Oh. That was cryptic, huh. Sorry.  
Ok what I mean by that is that for over a month now(?) I've been experiencing chronic déjà vu, which has lead to the firmly-held belief (delusion?) that I'm stuck in a time loop  
It happens so much.  
Even this conversation has set it off several times.

tsundere bulbasaur: mysterious… 

Tongue Tae’d: The doctors want an MRI done, obviously.  
I've had one and an EEG done before when we were checking that I didn't have absence seizures.  
It's just dissociation, probably.  
We're um.  
They want to see if there's anything blatantly physical about it in my brain.  
The doctors aren’t telling me what they’ll do to me once we get the results in either, which is kinda worrying, right?

tsundere bulbasaur: yeah a lil  
hmm  
this is difficult.  
can you take your meds please?

Tongue Tae’d: …  
Fine.

Tae got up from the computer chair and went to the kitchen, pouring herself a small cup of milk to have with her tablet of diazepam.

She stayed in the kitchen until she’d finished all of it, and walked herself back to the computer.

Tongue Tae’d: ok I’m back, I took them.

tsundere bulbasaur: wait, you didn’t take all of them at once, did you,,

Tongue Tae’d: No? I took the one dose.  
I don’t want to go out like that anyway, it’s super gross.  
I took them because it was getting hard to type from the shaking.

tsundere bulbasaur: ok cool. ty

Tongue Tae’d: And yeah, it is pretty difficult! I just want to end this loop.  
I don't care if it sends me back, I can change things to give myself more time to figure out how to build a time machine.  
I can't let them change my mind.  
It's dangerous.  
It's so easy to let people tell me what reality is even when it's wrong.  
I can't trust myself, but I have to this time.  
It's important.

Peony pony: we can work this out!

Tongue Tae’d: I don't want to see the psychologist.  
It's only a few weeks until she's free.  
I can't let her change my mind, I have to die Now.

tsundere bulbasaur: you really don’t

Tae’s mum tapped her shoulder.

“Honey? Your father’s having heart-attack-like symptoms, we’re calling an ambulance for him.”

Not the best news, but maybe they’ll let Tae go to hospital with them for her being suicidal as well?

“Oh. I’m actually suicidal right now. I took my calm-down meds half an hour ago, but they’re not working.”  
“I’ll stay here with you then. You take another dose of your calm-down meds and come sit on the couch with me, ok?”  
“Mum, I don’t want to take more. They’re addictive and I don’t like how they make me feel, and I could overdose on them, and-”  
“Nonsense, it’s fine to take another dose. I have to wait with your father now.”

And with that, she left.

Tae switched to the popipa groupchat.

O-Tae-Chan: Hey. Reply when you can, I should update you on some stuff.

She switched back to the squawkr vent chat.

Tongue Tae’d: My mum just came in.  
My dad's going to hospital again and I'm thinking two birds one stone, I'll go to hospital too, but mum said to take ANOTHER dose of my calm-down meds and just stay at home with her.

tsundere bulbasaur: did you tell her you already took them?

Tongue Tae’d: I did, that's why she said to take another

tsundere bulbasaur: huh  
why?

Tongue Tae’d: Because she says you can do that.  
But these are the potentially addictive ones that I could overdose on if I tried hard enough, so I don't really want to take another dose.

tsundere bulbasaur: tell her why you shouldn't?

Tongue Tae’d: I think she knows, she just doesn’t want to go to hospital again.  
I would just knock myself out with my other meds, but I can’t find them… 

Tae went and sat by her dad while her mum was out the front waiting.

“Hi dad.”  
“Something the matter, Tae-chan?”  
“I’m actually pretty suicidal right now.”  
“Maybe you should ride with me, ahaha.”  
“Yeah, that’s what I thought too.”

But when the paramedics came and assessed him, he didn’t mention her at all. She watched as he was loaded into the ambulance, and she watched as it drove away without her.

Back inside, she flipped back to the disharmony vent chat.

Tongue Tae’d: The ambulance just left.  
I feel like I missed my chance. [cry emoji]

tsundere bulbasaur: oh… 

Tongue Tae’d: Guess it’s time to die then.

tsundere bulbasaur: n o

Tongue Tae’d: ok well I have to go do something, I’ll be on my phone for a bit.

* * *

Tae pulled out her blades from the inconspicuous sanrio plastic box by her bed. 

They weren’t fresh. They were the loose heads for some craft scalpels, as she hadn’t found handles for them. They didn’t cut terribly deep, especially now that they’d been used a few times, because she couldn’t get a good enough grip to drive them in.

She didn’t use them often at all, but she’d had them for years.

She started with a slow, deliberate cut on her upper thigh. Once, twice, thrice. She then moved onto her arms, where the pace picked up a bit. Cat scratches, really, but a lot more of them.

She took a break, lying down on her bed. She didn’t care if she bled onto her sheets. 

After that, she moved to the side of her upper thigh and focused heavily and speedily on one patch.

Ok, that was enough. She shouldn’t keep doing this.

She put the blades away and nigh-instantly fell asleep.

* * *

55 messages.

It was well past 11am now, and Tae had woken up to 55 messages on disharmony.

One of them was from a polling disharmony she was in for an au, but most of the others were from the popipa groupchat.

Firstly there were some confused messages, and then somebody must’ve seen the vent chat from the server, because there began a lot of crytyping and missed calls.

You can’t do this to me, they said. To us, they said. Please, we’ll do anything. Please be alive. Please. I can’t do this, they said.

More missed calls.

It’s my fault, they said. I wasn’t there. None of them were there. It’s still my fault, they said. Please, please I’ll do anything, they said. Please, talk to us when you wake up, they said. I can’t handle grieving on top of everything else in my life, they said.

Nine missed calls, spaced out over a few hours.

Kasumeme: She’s online!

Arisa-chan: Oh no. This is going to be the message from her mum saying that she’s dead, isn’t it.

O-Tae-chan: [imageupload]  
I lived bitch.

Everyone else was online, which was weird. Were they waiting for news on her?

There was a lot of god-thanking.

Calls to never actually do it, or to at least wait until they were online and talk to them first.

Saya-chan: I’m really proud of you for not doing anything, O-Tae.

O-Tae-chan: WELL.  
Actually I did cut a bunch, so I didn’t do nothing.

Saya-chan: [ :/ emoji]  
Self-harm is bad, but it’s not as bad as suicide. Does any of it need medical attention?

O-Tae-chan: No, I think it’s fine.

Kasumeme: [sob emoji]

Rimi-rin: O-Tae-chan… please be ok! We’re here for you! We love you very much

Kasumeme: Yeah!! We love you, O-Tae! Please don’t leave us like that

O-Tae-chan: I love you too.

Arisa-chan: We should probably tell the other bands she’s fine too, huh.

O-Tae-chan: But I didn’t tell the other bands?

Arisa-chan: Kasumi freaked everyone out by talking about it, so we should make sure everyone know you’re ok.

Rimi-rin: Actually, she uh. She already did that, if you check the chat! She took a screenshot of O-Tae-chan’s picture and caption and sent it as soon as she got it!

Arisa-chan: Ah.


End file.
